Lookie Loos

One thing I seriously don't get is the guys that continuously view your profile but don’t continue the communication with you.  I don’t mean people that never start communicating with you and just keep looking at your profile repeatedly.  I mean people who you start communicating with that at some point fail to reply to you.  However they keep looking back at your profile.  It’s like, what, are they just checking in to see if you’ve suddenly changed?  Second guessing?  I didn’t think you were good enough before, but now by comparison you are looking a little better. 

It just pisses me off. 

This one “Joe” (I’ve decided I’m going to start calling all guys Joe, Nick or Bob going forward with this blog.  Just to simplify things. And this guy feels like a Joe.) he and I communicated back and forth a short bit and things seemed to be moving along.  Then he stopped responding.  A couple of weeks later my friend got into my account and he was one of the 3 she messaged saying “let’s meet up”.  Well that seemed to spark a bit of a fire under his butt and he wrote back saying how it was great to hear from me, he had wanted to message me back but had thought too much time had passed.  Yadda yadda yadda… we ended up exchanging numbers and planning to meet for coffee the next Monday.  Only thing is we never did meet.  The dufus never confirmed a time and place and even when I sucked it up and sent him a text- NO RESPONSE. 

Fine whatever, he didn’t want to meet.  No skin off my nose.  I was just more annoyed at why he would exchange numbers if he wasn’t sure.  I really don’t get guys.  And I further don’t understand why over a month later he is STILL looking at my profile. 

Also Bob Bean.  We communicated a bit then the guy just disappears.  Weeks later he is still looking at my profile.  Why?  If there was anything remotely interesting about my profile, why don’t they just try and communicate rather than blowing me off?

Here is the thing- if my profile pictures were remotely provocative I could totally understand why they kept looking back but never communicating.  Heck, I may not want to get to know the guys showing off the six packs as their profile photo, but I sure do appreciate the fact they are there to see.  But let’s be realistic- I am no super model and show no cleavage.  If my profile was riddled with jokes, I could get that too.  Nope, it’s not.  It’s pretty basic.  A little bit of interesting info, just enough to tease that I am a fun person, without giving too much.  I like to play the tease. 

You know, if this wasn’t online there would be a word for what they are doing: Stalking.  To continuously keep following/looking at someone from a distance but not interact with them.  How would you feel if you kept randomly seeing someone on the street looking at you but never saying anything?  Actually, that doesn’t even cover it.  It’s pretty much this guy introduces himself to you, has a short conversation, and then proceeds to show up repeatedly and look at you from a distance but never tries to talk to you again.  We would call that a creep.  Not socially acceptable behavior.  However since this is through the internet it is ok. 

Here’s a thought: Perhaps these guys just have no balls.  Actually they are probably creeps with no balls.  Maybe that is why they keep looking but not talking.  “Oooo, meet a girl?  That is so much work.  I want one to just fall into my lap.”  Or maybe I just had a bit too much self-confidence for them.  I tease and am honest.  I don’t play games.  Maybe they are looking for a girl with no self confidence that will be at their beck and call and beg them to go on a date to validate them.  Girls that need a guy to tell them how great they are and are willing to do whatever the guy wants in exchange for the few compliments.  That will never be me. 

3rd Times A Charm?

They say things come in 3's.  Perhaps. 

The last time I did a stint in the online realm I met 3 consecutive Nicks.  Well, at least I believe they were Nicks.  Their profile names were Nick and they never corrected me.  And it was the 3rd Nick who I actually ended up going out with a few times. 

As I've been serving time in this current tour I've met 3 guys named Joe. Well, again, their profile names were all "Joe" only I did get corrected at a later time from the one that his name was actually Nick, and the other turned out to be Joey.  But Joey is close enough to Joe, so fine.  I'll rant about the stupidity of putting a different name on your profile than your own at a later date.

The point being that even the guys seem to come in 3's.  And definitely follow a pattern.  The last Nick, although a nice guy was pretty boring.  Before we met we were chatting through mail and one of his first questions to me was "what do you consider adventurous?"  It was a multiple choice answer form and the choices were things like trying a new restaurant (being the most boring) to white water rafting (being the most adventurous).  Seeing as how I had recently been white water rafting, had a near death experience falling out of my raft and getting trapped under water, and then forced myself to go again the next year so I could get over my fears, I feel pretty justified in my answer of white water rafting. 

Well this Nick- he also said he was really adventurous.  And although the fact we bonded over a mutual like of Star Trek maybe would have been a warning to some, I thought it was cool.  I grew up watching the Next Generation with my father.  However... well, Nick was currently re-watching all the episodes on You Tube.  So mine was kind of a nostalgia thing, his was more of a current obsession. But still, something to bond over.

So I kind of had high hopes for this Nick.  Hopes that at least the date wouldn't be a tragedy.  Of course at the time I still believed people were for the most part normal and didn't realize the depths to which such a meet up could possibly sink.  So maybe it was just ignorance that didn't have me a little scared of the weirdo that could be waiting for me on the other end.  Plus the guy wanted to meet at a sushi bar because I mentioned I love sushi and he had only tried it once.  So cool.  Showing a little bit of the adventurous. 

In the end things didn't work out between myself and Nick.  Although he was nice, once we got past the Star Trek connection there really wasn't much there.  Also as it turned out we had very VERY different definitions of what adventurous meant.  When I asked him the most adventurous things he had ever done, his response was that he had used horse manure as fertilizer the year before.  He had made a little garden on his patio and done half with chemical fertilizers and half with horse manure.  All I could think was "gross!"  Mixed with a little bit of "Nerd." 

Now don't get me wrong, he was a nice guy and there is a girl out there that will find that extremely fascinating.  Like my cousin who is the ultimate nerd of all nerds and damn proud of it.  He has a very nice wife.  Who amazingly isn't turned off by all the nerdiness.  Although they don't share all the same interests/geek tendencies, she is totally content to do her own thing while he lives his virtual life in World of Warcraft instead of you know... having a real life.  Suffice it to say though this was the moment I realized he was the "try a new restaurant" personality and I was the "white water rafting" type.  We said good bye that day, and I'm pretty sure from the fact neither mentioned anything about seeing the other again, we both knew this just wasn't happening.

Anyway, after that I had decided to retire the Nicks.  3 strikes and you're out.  Had I known Joe #1 was really Nick #4 I wonder if I would have given him the time of day.  That mixed with his PMS'ing and drama I think would have pushed things into the HELL NO category.  (PMS'ing is annoying enough when girls do it.  At least they have evil hormones racing through their body wreaking havoc on their insides to blame for it.  It's all nature (that bitch), it can't be controlled no matter how many pills we try and pop.  Really, this is very unbecoming of a boy who has nothing to blame but his own asshole personality.)

I digress.  Let's get back to the 3's.  Well so as I've mentioned I have moved on to Joes.  There have now been 3 Joes from this latest trist.  Technically.  Joe #1 (aka Nick #4)- EPIC FAILURE.  Joe #2- Flop.  Joe #3- Hum... we shall have to see.

This Joe #3- not only is he #3, but it took 3 dates to FINALLY meet the guy.  Yes, it has finally happened.  50 Reasons rescheduled, and on the 3rd try he did not get sick.  Amazing, but true.  I half expected him to cancel again.  I think that is why I wasn't nervous this time until I was actually walking to the place for us to meet up.  Until that point I had been waiting for the call that he was yet again sick.  Only this time I was going to tell him that things just shouldn't be this hard, and I was at the point of thinking this just wasn't meant to be.  That is what I was going to tell him at least.  In my mind I would have been thinking "So the truth has come out.  And the verdict is... EVIL." 

So yes, I met 50 Reasons, aka Joe #3.  And he seemed... NORMAL!  They do exist.  Shocking.  Disbelief.  Wow.  Not only normal, but intelligent!  Because let's face it.  With the last guy the bar got set pretty low for normal. Basically the criteria was that his profile photo had to be at least slightly  resembling his current state of physical appearance (it was), his job had to be what he listed it as (check), not brag about doing anything illegal (check check), be on time (he was early), And KEEP HIS PANTS ON (Thank God he did... although between the two I would much rather see this guy's pants off.  Just saying). 

He passed all these and then went above and beyond.  Intelligent, pretty decent looking, and he made me laugh.  Ding Ding Ding Ding, we have a winner!  At least I hope so.  A little to early to say much more than I really hope I have the opportunity to get to know this guy better.  Like you know, an official date would be pretty cool.  But the point of this blog is how pathetic my dating life is, so in accordance with that I can expect him to not contact me again.  

My mother is so funny.  She knew where I was and when we were meeting so she actually walked by the cafe to check him out!  Before I left she warned me she might do this.  She told me to sit so my back was to the window so she could check him out.  The first time we were scheduled to meet she told me she had planned to do this and I had told her I was glad he had canceled in that case.  How awkward to look up and see my mother.  No, my family isn't over bearing or weird at all, not in the slightest bit.  My mother just has to, you know, give her approval on you before we can continue.  By this time though, I was resigned and told her if he was there first I was sitting in which ever seat was still open.  Later that night when I talked to her one of the first things she asked was "so is he Asian?  He looked Asian."  I'm pretty sure he might be Italian.  But you know, Asian, Italian, they are so similar.  Right....

Sitting there across from him did make me realize one thing.  Reading Jen Frase's blog (http://jenfrase.blogspot.com/) has really gotten into my subconscious.  I don't watch the Bachelor/Bachelorette and really really can't stand reality TV.  Especially these canned dating shows that have people bawling their eyes out about being in love with someone they just met and have never actually spent a real day with in real life situations.  There are a couple of words that come to mind when I see the people on this show.  Obsessive, Psycho, Daddy issues... What these people need is a room full of psychiatrists.  The one place where I do have interest in this show though is reading her blog.  You don't even have to watch the show, her recap is still hilarious.  And the stick she repeatedly uses to measure the attractiveness of the guys on this show is can she see him hot and sweaty on top of her?  If the answer is yes- he is hot, if the answer is no- he is not. 

The reason I know this has gotten way to far into my subconscious is because as I as staring across the table last night, that rule totally popped into my head.  Does the thought of this guy hot and sweaty on top of me turn me on or off?  Here he is going on about how the systems in a power plant work (which was quite interesting) and in my head I'm analyzing whether or not I would want to get it on with him.  How's that for a first 30 minutes of the night?  Yah, I am totally listening to the words coming out of your mouth, not at all trying to picture what you might look like with your brow all covered in sweat.  But in the interest of being able to carry on the conversation and not look like a dufus form being lost as he was trying to explain, I managed to get the thought tucked away for later analyzation.  30 minutes was way to early to be making that call when it's a real person interacting with me and not just someone on TV I'm fantasizing about on mute. 

Ok, well so that was Joe #3.  Regardless if I hear from him again Joe is now retired.  What's remaining at this time is to know if it will go up on the wall of fame or the wall of shame right there next to "Nick". 

The Do's and Dont's of Tag Lines

Let's talk about Tag Lines.  Most of these dating sites require you to post a sentence somewhere across the top of your profile that is meant to highlight your personality and who you are.  It feels incredibly awkward writing this, and just as awkward reading these sometimes.  This is the place where it becomes painfully obvious some of us have no personality and some of us are just natural douches.  In the end I would say only about 10% of us come across well in this section. 

Either when you get matched up with a person or when you're out there searching the vast database of sometimes nameless faces, the tag line is the only thing you see about this person outside of their random profile name and photo.  For those of us not judging solely by looks, this is what we use to make that snap decision of whether or not reading your profile is worthy of our time. 

The thing is that although the space they give you to write in will fit anywhere from 25-50 characters, that isn't what others are seeing in the snapshot put out there into the search database.  Which can make of some serious misunderstandings and fairly random and unintentionally humorous lines.  In the end a person really only has about 6 word... 6 little words, to try and captivate their audience. 

Here are some that caught my eye.  Let's call this the good, the bad, and the ugly.  The part highlighted is a sampling of what would be visible in search, the rest of it you have to click the profile to see.  I have not edited any spelling or grammar in the below.

Let's start with The Ugly:

• "I'm gonna wear you down; I'm gonna make you see; I'm gonna get to you; you're gonna give in to me" - Ok, so I get this is lyrics to a song.  But REALLY?  Think this over people!  Not only is the song about someone trying to force someone to be interested in you (which is creepy in the way they are going about it), but I'm not even having to dig deep here to make this sexual. 
• "Got a little nippy going through the pass, huh Har?" - Apparently this is from Dumb and Dumber... which is fine if you only want women who like this movie interested in you. In my experience, that number is pretty small. I can count all the women I know who don’t HATE this movie on one hand. 
• "Exit visas are imminent"- What the heck? Why are you advertising you are looking for someone to marry for a green card? - There’s always a chance he MIGHT be a US Citizen...but I checked, it's not a quote from any movie Google could find. If you’re just looking for a Visa, thanks for being honest. But if not, avoid all phrases that may sound in any way like this is the case. The sad reality is there are guys on dating sites for this purpose and women are always wary looking for red flags.
• "I'll wink if you're pretty. I'll email if you're damn sexy!" - Just no. This sound superficial and says nothing about the person but that they care about looks. 
• "Don't you want a little taste of the glory? See what it tastes like." - Again with the sexual innuendos! Women know you want sex from them. You really don’t need to hit them in the face with it. Also, please limit the massive ego. 

The Bad:

•  "Just chilin" - So many people saying they’re just looking for something “chill” or “casual” but then start talking about going on vacation and wanting to get all romantic. Or they say they’re looking for something serious and their partner in life. But then you ask them “what are to looking for” and they say stuff like- just to have a good time, something casual! People on dating sites are full of  conflicting message. If you’re having trouble, or you keep thinking why are all these women “acting crazy” evaluate your profile and what you’re saying. Are you sending mixed messages? 
• "Most people are other people"- I just don't even know where to go with this one.... and neither will the people on the dating site. This gives nothing about you and no in for them to a conversation. 
• "How you doing? ;)" - Not sure if I like this one or not. The Friends fan in me laughs, but then all I can think is way too cheesy. Considering how long ago Friends was on, and that it’s referencing the character who was a womanizer, you’re better off choosing another intro. 

• "Going for walk?" - Grammar Check- If you speak fluent English, please highlight that in your tag line by proof reading.  Also, this is just a really weird question to be asking as you’re into. So what if I’m going for a walk today? How is that going to encourage conversation?

• "I'm a single man looking for a single faithful women... " Yes women... not woman. First off, thanks for clarifying you are single. I appreciate that given more and more non single people are on the main stream apps. However the use of women- people legitimately believe in and practice polygamy! So please spell check if you don’t want to be misunderstood.
• "Seeking a better half." - Don't bring yourself down. Also- non-crazy women don't want a project. I get it's a common saying, but think about it. It is self effacing. Maybe romantic once you know the person, but at the get to it makes it sound like you’re lacking in confidence and looking for someone to fix you.
• "Just looking for flirting and a good time thats all LOL" - Ok honesty and upfront is great! Please don’t waste my time. But the more people use leetspeak like LOL and emoji’s the faster I pass on their profile l. This isn’t a text message. It’s a first impression. 

The Good:

• "Looking for a partner in crime"- now that I can get behind!  Sweet, I could use a little spice in my life.  My criminal record is pretty boring. 
• "Anybody up for riding bikes from village to village in Provence this summer?"- Ok, so the "hey lets take a vacation with a compete stranger" aspect is a little weird. But great to have a suggestion of an activity right there. Plus I already know a couple of things about the person just from that! 1- He is active 2- He lives to travel 3- He likes to ride bikes. Cool! Me too!
• "Excited for the Possibilites" - Hehe, I still laugh when I read this.  It screams "cheesy" to me!  But it got me to read on and actually- I ended up going on a date with this guy!
• "Architect by day.... aspiring chef by night" Cool- I know you've got a decent job and I won't have to support you. And you can cook! Bonus! Yes Please. Breakfast in bed sounds great, thanks a bunch!
• "Determined to make 5'7" cool again" - haha!  Short, but rocking the confidence. 
• "Mr. Spontaneity"- I like it.  Cheesy, yes, but it's a fun way of trying to get your personality across.
• "Click Here to Add to Cart"- Totally the same as what I was thinking, however I am not sure if this is good or bad.  I thought it was cleaver when I wrote something similar, so I give him props and put this in the good.

So let's wrap this up with my Do's and Dont's.

• Don't: Just list out your attributes. While that does allow me to know what you THINK you're like, it doesn't really display them. Try and show them in a creative way, not just list them.  Unless of course you want to come across as boring.
• Don't: Try to be too insightful. I can tell people have put all this thought into a great quote, but really you only see the first couple of words which doesn't get the point across. You have about 6 words to try and grab my attention and make me want to read more. Otherwise I'm on to the next person. Harsh, but true. It really only shows those 6 bolded words, that is all you get. Sure there is a short paragraph showing below, but if the bolded tag line above is strange, weird, incoherent, I'm not going to read that. I only read the paragraph below if the tag line makes me want to. Remember that... 6 little words.
• Don't: Write anything that can be sexually interpreted if you want to be taken seriously.  Maybe you are just desperate and looking for those out there with huge daddy issues and self esteem problems that would take the time to create a profile for the sake of getting it on.  In which case I really hope you are on something free like Plenty of Fish and not a paid dating site.  I guess I would like to imagine that the sites which require you to pay have a higher ratio of non-STD ridden users verses free sites.  So I can see why someone might choose to fork out the dough for this purpose.  However something about doing this on the paid sites just seems wrong to me. (This is of course invalid for sites that are geared to sexual encounters, like Swingers, SugerDaddies, HookersRUs, and PlentyofFIsh.)
• Don't: Come across as a Douche.  This includes people who think their shit don't stink.  Outright say they are just into looks, boob size, butt size, or a woman for anything other than an equal. 

• Do: Be Cleaver.
• Do: Be Brief.
• Do: Hint at an interesting fact about yourself.
• Do: Be respectful.
• Do: Use Spell Check.
• Do: Have a friend (you trust) look over your profile BEFORE publishing.

Look at that... seems so simple doesn't it? 

Stike One, Strike Two....

Par for the course.  I did mention my dating life is incredibly PATHETIC right? 

So Monday I was supposed to meet this guy I have been chatting with online.  You know that old saying if it seems too good to be true, it probably is?  Yah, that was this guy.  Everything about what we had communicated about seemed so spot on. I thought this guy had to be either freakishly like me or feeding me lines.  I was inclined for the feeding me lines train of thought.  But I figured let's meet the poor chap.  If nothing else, when the date goes horribly tragic at least I'd have another great story to tell.  I do so enjoy entertaining you with my misery.  It is the one gleaming ray of hope in the misery that is my shriveled, dried up, dating life. 

And to support how desperately lonesome my dating life is- Tuesday I got my hair cut by this very nice, but slightly tiny, Japanese guy.  Recommended by a friend.  Great recommendation but if you want to feel like a fat house the best way to do it that I've found is to go hang out with a bunch of Japanese people.  Anyway, so this nice and tiny man started off my haircut with a scalp massage.  And I realized this physical contact was the most that I have had with the male species in almost.... 2 YEARS!!!!   Help!  I need to get some!  Please!  Not that I was repressed enough this contact made me turned on, although it sure felt good.  Just it was funny to realize that.  And pathetic.  Very, very pathetic.

So back to this guy I was suppose to meet Monday:  Well, so the funny thing is I didn't even have to meet this one to have something to write about.  He's provided that without me actually knowing him.  Woo hoo!  Stories without personal detriment. 

About 2 hours before our arranged meet up (Coffee at a public place... no more dive bars for me)  I got a text message he was sick and couldn't make it.  Now it was very sunny and nice out this day, so my first thought was "yah, likely story" and he just had found something better to do.  However he had this back story about thinking it was allergies and trying medicine, and he actually asked for a rain check in his sob story.  So I figured I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and believe him.  After all, he did seem too good to be true.  Fine, maybe this was an instance of it's not being true.  I responded back saying it was fine, to let me know when he was better, and I hoped he was feeling better soon. Then I sat back and waited to see how sincere he had been about the rain check.  Ball is in your court buddy.

Well today (Wednesday) I got a text from him in the early afternoon wondering about meeting up tonight.  I seriously contemplated telling him I was busy because I didn't want to come across as that easy.  I have a life you know.  However I decided that was just playing games, which are stupid, and that wanting to watch a TV show didn't constitute a conflict when my DVR still had room.  So I consented.  Then went about the rest of my day going "oh crap, oh crap, oh crap" and leaving work early to have a glass of wine before we would meet.  It wasn't so much that I was excited.  Just really nervous.  I would say MAYBE, just maybe half excited.  Possibly a little less.  Actually more afraid.  Is it weird to say I was actually worried it would work out?  I've been in the mindset lately of having a guy sucking up my free time is not high on my list of "must haves".  I like my me time. 

Anyhoo... well, it happened AGAIN!  SERIOUSLY???? Seriously?  Yep... he canceled because he is SICK!  Ok, I know I said this about other things but, Who Does That?  He does.  (50 Reasons, that's his nickname.  Because his profile was "50 Reasons You Should Date Me".  Actually one of the best profiles I've seen.)  Maybe I should have been upset, annoyed, pissed.  But I just started laughing.  I mean, if you want to come up with the best ways to make a terrible first impression, this is definitely right up there on the top of the list.  And if he wasn't so darn apologetic and self flagellating about it, I would write him off.  When I told my mother it happened again she was quick to write back "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me."  Which I had to admit was going through my mind when I got his message.

I've decided to give him ONE more chance though.  I mean, unless he is the biggest dick in the entire wold, he isn't going to reschedule only to cancel again just to mess with me.  He must have actually wanted to meet me.  Unless he is pure evil.  Which is possibly true.  But how often do you run into people who are pure evil?  1 out of... 10?  That's just 10%.  So there is a 90% chance he is ok.  I'll take the odds.  Plus I am reminding myself that he is a guy.  And most guys I know are GIANT babies when it comes be being sick.  Like you think a little cold is the Ebola virus or something.  God help us if the president should ever get sick.  I mean, people say a woman can't be president because she'd be too emotional or moody, but look at a man when he's sick and try and picture THAT running this country.  God help us all. 

Admittedly though I am even less convinced he will reschedule at this point.  I told him he had to reschedule if he had any hope of saving his reputation.  We shall see.  Perhaps he would be ok with going down in history as the guy with no follow through. 

The funniest part of all is not my reaction but my mother and friends.  They are reaming him up one side and down the other.  It's pretty great.  I'm just sitting back saying "well, at least I have something to write about".  But my mother met my friend and I as we were out walking the other day and spent a good 5 minutes coming up with catch lines I should say back to him.  Things like "Well you have your 50 reasons I should date you, but I'm building my 50 reasons on why I shouldn't!  And here is #1."  I guess today is #2.  And I haven't even met the guy.  Oh yes, he better be too good to be true.  Already digging his hole.

Dear Grandpa

Dear Grandpa,

I'm not sure how to begin this letter because this is really a position I, your granddaughter, never really imagined I would find myself in.  Because you see, while I and my mother (your fully grown daughter) find it great that you have finally learned to use a computer, we are a little concerned with what you have chosen to do with your new found skills. 

You see, one of my friends called me yesterday absolutely horrified as you had recently winked at her on a dating site.  In disbelief I logged onto said dating site to check for myself and sure enough there you were.  Well, actually there was a 20 year old photo of you.  It was fairly obvious seeing as how the shirt and shorts you were wearing haven't been popular since the 1980's.  The discoloring of the photo due to aging was kind of a give away as well.  Oh, and the edge of the photo gave away that it had been scanned and wasn't originally a digital image.  Bravo and props for learning how to use the scanner though.

Grandfather I must tell you, it was fairly unsettling to see your profile.  And mother and I are both a little creeped out and uncertain how much contact we would be ok with having with you in the future.  Because you see, while we have no problems with you dating, we do have problems with the age of women you are trying to date.  It was more than a little shocking to see you list yourself as looking for a woman between the ages of 28-43 when you yourself are in your mid 60's.  (By the way, you aren't fooling anyone with the age you list.  If that photo of you was in your late 40's, and the aging is so obvious, people will figure out you aren't just turned 60.  Either way, it is still pretty creepy.) 

You do realize the women you are delusionally believing you might actually date are old enough to not only be your children, but your grandchildren?  That you were already married when their mother was just being born.  And I don't care if they are consenting adults, this still seems like it should be in the realm of a pedophile for you to be fantasizing about romantic involvement with them.  I mean honestly, when mother was growing up and her friends came over, or when I have brought my friends over to meet you throughout the years, were you fantasizing about them?  Was a real life American Beauty going on in your home as mother grew up? 

Let me give you a little reality check old man.  Gravity has not been kind and is by nature a bitch.  And we know that it's not just your face that gets saggy and wrinkly.  So if you do happen to find a girl willing to be romantic with you it won't be because you are her true love.  I guess you might be ok with that seeing as how you are obviously trying to have one last trist before you think your time is up.  But you know what, girls like that don't come cheap. It's only with a high cash payout guaranteed in a couple of years when you kick the bucket that young women like myself can stomach the thought of putting out for your Viagra induced wrinkly ass.  Luckily for her with your lack of energy and pacemaker, those instances are not only short lived, but few and far between. Then once you are gone, she'll go on to live her real life.  The one she has been fantasizing about for the last several years every time she pretended to listen to you.  The one where she is spending all her inheritance on extravagant vacations- with Pallo, the pool boy with the golden tan.  But let's be real old man, you don't exactly have the funds to fit that mold.

So grandfather, in conclusion, for the time being please do not contact mother or I.  Additionally we will be contacting our friends you have met previously and warning them to keep their distance from you.  We feel it would be best to no longer acknowledge the family connection.  If you could please begin telling people you have no children that would be great.  Go ahead and add that to your profile in the about me section.  Do us all a favor.

Sincerely, your 28 year old granddaughter.

Would You Please Just Hide the Crazy?!!

What ever happened to trying to make a good first impression?  Did I miss a memo here or something?  Apparently it has become common to just publicly lay all the crazy out on the table. 

Call me old fashion, but I was raised believing you should actually try and act... normal.  That some things were meant for behind closed doors and you should put your best image forward upon first impression.  If people become your friend and take the time to get to know you, it is inevitable that they will eventually figure out all your zany idiosyncrasies.  But best to hide them for as long as possible. 

I am really disheartened by the crop of fresh men out there I am finding.  Since when did it become appropriate to publicly post pictures of yourself using large objects as a phallic symbol and flaunt your adolescent penile infatuation?  Oh, please. I get a teenage boy's infatuation with his new found favorite appendage.  For the first 11... 12 years of his life he didn't realize the potential this held.  Suddenly his world has been opened up to a new realm of possibilities.  Of course he has a natural curiosity.  However this is why it is so important for proper role models and guidance to be provided to the young lad so that his natural curiosities don't develop into an unhealthy obsession. 

By the age of 30, I would really expect him to have worn himself out of this.  I'm shocked to find though that for some men... really, are they men?  Grown boys... Peter Pan have you... they seem to never tire of their new best fried.  (Who knew it was so close?)  And still publicly flaunt their love and infatuation.  And oh no, not just around other overly large boy-men.  Again, that I might understand.  Who knows how these male humans interact in the privacy of a testosterone filled gathering.  Grunting, grabbing, scratching.  Noises and smells that make my stomach turn and gauge reflex begin to initiate at just the mere thought of what may be.  No no no... they don't save this behavior for among others of their kind.  They must share it publicly in the delusion that females may actually be ATTRACTED to it! 

Which all brings me to wonder... at what point did men decide that they no longer need to woo women?  That this public infatuation, belching, farting, adjusting... was all appropriate for first impressions?

I recall stories my grandparents... and even my parent... have told me about their early days upon first meeting.  I look at how they treated each other years later, when I was growing up and able to observe them... and I see a completely different style of behavior.  A behavior that I want, I desire, and I wonder what has happened that we have gotten away from this?  How did we get to where we are?  Did men really go so off course, or is it that women have allowed themselves over time to settle for less? 

My grandfather smoked.  But my grandmother never knew it.  He hid it from her by brushing his teeth and using cologne and mouth wash before every date.  They were married before she ever found out. Not that I'm encouraging hiding things from people until you're married.  My point is - smoking wasn't even illegal.  But he didn't want to scare my grandmother off by admitting to doing something that wasn't all that desirable in a potential match.  Now guys will tell you up front if the smoke pot and think you're the stiff one for not. 

My grandma dated several guys at one time.  That was normal.  Unlike today, you dated around, got to know people.  They all knew about each other.  And while it was serious to some extent, it wasn't like today where expectations in the physical manner came with the date.  You went out, had a good time, and if they guy impressed you and was a gentleman, he got a kiss.  Just a kiss.  But the guys were competitive.  They tried to plan a better date than the other ones.  They payed attention to special events to invite you to.  They opened the door for you.  Gave you their jacket.  And they married you to keep the other guys from being able to steel you away.  None of this lets live together for a couple of years so I can decide if you're good enough.  Keep you on retainer while I shop around.  Maybe not officially dating others, but you know, not making a commitment just in case. 

My father still to this day asks my mother to go on dates in the same manner he did when they first met.  He doesn't just simply say "do you want to go on a date?"  or "do you want to get dinner?"  He always begins the ask with "would you care to...?"  He still calls her on Friday nights and say "would you care to go to a movie with me this evening?"  Those are the exact words he used when he asked her out for the first time, which was to a movie.  It's more than just "hey you wanna?"  It's polite.  It leaves the control in her hands.  It says "What you want to do, please do.  But I would enjoy it if what you want is doing this with me."  Subtle, but a huge difference.  Sometimes it's just the little things.

Chivalry.  Integrity.  Respect.  In the modern dating world all this has been replaced.  The crazy is unleashed.  And a life of celibacy seems more and more appealing every day.

A Modern Stepford Wife

I once was contacted by this guy who was looking for what I can only describe as a modern version of a Stepford Wife.  His opening introduction was something to the point of the following:

I'm looking for an attractive woman who enjoys cooking, cleaning, and keeping herself looking pretty.  Someone who desires to have a family and run the household.  Also a woman who is successful, career driven and finds her sense of purpose in her work. 

Yah, it didn't take much to read between these lines.  I know he was talking about what he wanted in a woman, but what he probably didn't realize was everything he was saying about himself in this.  Here is how this really should have read:

I am a pretty shallow person who is mostly into looks and appearances.  My mommy did all the cleaning, laundry, and cooking for me growing up and I don't want to start now, so I'm looking for someone to step in and take her place because it's become to much of a pain to drive to her house.  (Or this could also read "My parents finally realized I'm never going to move out of my own free will so they're finally kicking me out and I need someone to take mommy's place as my personal maid.) 

I want to have kids but I don't want to do any of the work outside of making the babies.  Don't expect me to wake up in the night with the kid, change diapers, or take any responsibility in parenting.  Oh, especially in any way shape or form that resembles housework.  Basically if you aren't home for a meal we're going to McDonald's or ordering pizza when I realize I'm hungry because I won't remember that children have to be fed. 

It's important to me that you make a lot of money and that things are always "fair" in the way that we both have jobs and you don't get to have fun at home doing easy things like raising the children while I have to work.  Although remember, I won't be doing anything around the house to even out that work load.  I'll be to busy having my me time when I get home.  Actually, I'm totally fine with you making more money than me and would be cool with being a stay at home husband.  Not dad, remember, you are the one that enjoys parenting and housework, not me.  The kids will still be in daycare. 

Don't worry, while you're busy through the night and into the wee hours of early morning cleaning up the mess of the day I and the children have left behind while you had to work late on that major project that would define your career, I'll keep the bed warm for you.  Because I'm just that great of a guy. 


Could someone please explain to me where guys get off thinking every woman is just waiting to be at the beck and call of a man?  That they desire to do nothing but serve them and bear their giant babies?  In what alternate universe does that make sense? 

I can see how looking for someone who enjoyed house work and going through the hell that is childbirth made sense... oh 100 years ago before the washing machine, dishwasher, and most homes were fitted with electricity.  Also most importantly this was before the invention of BIRTH CONTROL.  In that time housework was very different than it is today.  Everything had to be done by hand and it look a lot longer.  Also a lot of it had to be done during the daylight hours.  However a lot of women didn't work outside the home at that time.  And since there was no birth control, if you wanted to get laid regularly, well having kids was kind of an unavoidable side effect.  So yes, there were very important qualities. 

In today's world though women are expected to be out in the rat race we call the work force holding their own.  You have to work just as hard as men, and in some cases harder because the guys don't take you seriously since you're a woman.  (You know, assholes like the one above.)  Working outside the home is just as difficult and stressful for a woman as it is for a man.  So why the heck do guys think that they should get a free pass when they come home and leave all the housework to their wife who also just walked in the door from her stressful life outside the home?

Let me enlighten any guys out there who are confused on this subject:  Most women would rather spend the rest of their lives single than be married to a man who can't pull his own weight and help out around the house and with the children.  No woman comes home and thinks "Oh goody, I just finished dealing with a bunch of assholes at work and now I get come home and clean up after this asshole too!"  Even more so no woman is ever going to think "Wow, my husband just sat his fat ass on the couch watching football as I cleaned the entire house. He is such an amazing man.  I want him, I want him now." 

If she is indeed smart and successful it won't take her more than one billionth of a second to realize that her life would be much better off without the man.  If there was no man, she wouldn't have to come home and clean the house because it would still be clean since that is the way she left it that morning.  If there was no man she wouldn't have to worry about what to make for dinner.  She'd eat what ever she felt like when she felt like with no complaining.  If there were no man, her house would smell like flowers or sugar and spice instead of occasional breezes of putrid sulfa as he passes gas from his throne in front of the TV. 

Now you may be saying something like, yah, well if she had no man how would she get laid?  Girls like sex too.  Sure sure, that is true.  But you know what... a smart woman realizes it's not difficult to find a man looking to get some when you want it.  Just go to a bar in a short skirt and sit at the end of the bar.  You'll get a couple offers.  Or better yet- yet yourself a little self loving device.  You know what I'm talking about.  Cost: about $100.  Reward: No STD's, no pregnancy scares, no complications. 

Ok, so I hear you now.  You're saying something about what if she wants to have kids.  Again, a smart woman realizes that to have children without a lazy ass man is just one lazy ass less to have to take care of.  If the baby daddy isn't going to pitch in to make things easier, isn't going to wake up at night, change diapers, clean the house, help with laundry, and do all of this not only to help with the baby but also for himself.... it's just better off he isn't there to be one more burden on you.  A lazy husband will cost you mentally, physically and financially.  A one night stand sperm donor will cost you... a little dignity. 

An Evening with the Muffin Man

At the request of a friend, I've made this site to tell the sad sad stories that are my very pathetic, usually non-existant, dating life. 

To get it started rather then rewrite my date recap from this past weekend, I'm just posting the e-mail that went around to my friends along with all of it's side notes.  The person this was orignaly wrote to actually is running a dating profile for me.  I was pretty overwhelemed by all of the .... amazing (-ly bad) options out there, so she took over. Therefore there are things that would have been already known to her which I've had to insert notes on for the later readers to understand.  Enjoy!

You need to know to understand this first part: The guys profile was titled "JoeMuffin" so my nickname for him was Muffin Man... and…

An Evening with the Muffin Man: 

Maestro, queue the music!

Do you know the Muffin Man? The Joe Muffin Man, the Muffin Man? Do you know the Muffin Man, who lives in Renton WA?

Well now I know the Muffin Man, the Joe Muffin Man, oh no wait it’s the Nick Muffin Man. Oh now I know this Nick Muffin Man whose name is apparently not Joe.

So why is he called the Joe Muffin Man, Joe Muffin Man, not Nick Muffin Man? Why is he called the Joe Muffin Man, and why the heck did he use Muffin?

In High School he used to eat a Muffin man, a Muffin man, every day man! In High School he ate a giant Muffin, MAN, and his friend liked to call him Joe.

Ok, I’ll stop the silly song now because I am sick of saying Muffin Man. So I gotta say, it was pretty awkward walking up to someone and saying “are you Joe?” and having them reply “um, you know my name is Nick right? I thought I told you that like right away.” Hum... really I don’t remember him telling me much of ANYTHING before tonight. But yah, so that was awkward. And weird. Very weird. The story behind it didn’t make it any less weird to me too.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. So I arrive at this bar about 3 minutes late and I am thinking well it’s only 3 minutes, hopefully that is ok. So I go into the bar and there is a guy about my age at the bar and 2 much older people. I really couldn’t remember what he looked like so I couldn’t tell if the guy about my age was... well... the Joe I was looking for. I looked around the place hoping if it was him he would look up since he was expecting someone. He didn’t. So I went outside and sent him a text message saying I had found the bar ok. (He had been texting me earlier to make sure I could find it as apparently it doesn’t always show up right on Google or Bing maps.) Then I went back inside. The guy at the bar still didn’t look up. So I got a beer and then texted “Joe” asking if he was there yet. No response so I went up to the guy at the bar and asked if he was Joe. He said no and then asked said “Are you meeting someone you’ve never met? Did you like meet off some dating site or something?” He thought this was pretty interesting so we started chatting. I wasn’t sure if this was really Joe and he was just messing with me from what this guy was saying at first. And then I got this text from Joe that said he was at the bar. He said “can’t you see the big guy at the bar texting?” Which made me think this guy was messing with me even more. But then the guy I was talking to mentioned he worked at **** as a vendor and I knew he wasn’t Joe. Joe didn’t know I worked at **** and he works at ^^^^^. So we started chatting and I could tell this guy was interested in me. Ironically he is one of the technicians that supports the electrical issues with my building at work.

About this time “Joe” sends me a text saying he is wearing a WASU hat and then I know he is not at the bar. The other guys friend shows up and then the 3 of us are chatting as Joe, I mean, Nick, finally shows up. Later I learned he lives 2 miles down the road. So apparently he hadn’t left the house yet when I texted him I was there. He had already pushed our meeting time back two times (from 4 to 5 pm and then 5 to 5:30 pm) and then he was 15 minutes late. I kept chatting with the other guys for a minute while Nick (who I still knew as Joe at the time) got a drink. Then he started chatting with someone because apparently he is a regular at this place and goes there almost every day. He came and sat across from me, which was good because in all honestly I wouldn’t have recognized him and only knew him at this point by the hat. I later learned his profile photo is about 6 or 7 years old. Which explains why I don’t recognize him. And he has put on a good amount of weight. But I decide to see how things go because even though he isn’t the best looking guy he could be super sweet and an amazing personality.

Eventually we did get around to chatting, playing darts, playing pool, and a shooting game. Here is a rundown of the conversation and highlights:

He tells me his name is Nick. We chat a little about work. Then he brings up the online dating thing and starts reminiscing about previous girls he’s met and dated through online dating. (Awkward... this is going to be a theme.) At first I’m kind of like, well he seems kind of clueless about the fact you shouldn’t bring this up, so I’ll not let this weird me out. But one story that sticks out to me is about the girl that after 2 months of dating tells him she is pregnant and then later says she isn’t but she was just testing him to see how he would react. He is using this story to tell me about a psycho girl, but what I got out of this is he is in the habit of sleeping with girls he dates a month or so in. So we’re not exactly eye to eye on that. This is about the point where I responded to you* about the underwear but I was thinking things were still ok. 

(*The friend I wrote this to told me I should go into the bathroom and put my underwear on over my pants if things start going terribly wrong.  Then act like nothing had changed so that I could scare the guy off and end the date early.  At this point she texts me and asks if my underwear are on the outside my pants.  I had responded not yet.)

I did manage to get some normal information out of him. He has an older brother and a younger sister. He grew up in Puyallup... but not really, kind of outside of it in the next city over. His brother moved to Japan and was headmaster of a school there where he met his wife. They live just down the street from the bar in the same area as him.

I also got some information I wasn’t that excited to hear out of him. He went to the Seattle Art Institute to get a degree in Graphic Design. It was a 2 year program but he quickly figured out that since he only needed to take 4 classes a semester, instead he could do it in 2 and a half which would allow him to take classes only on Tuesdays and Thursdays so that he had 5 days a week to have fun and party. Which I got the impression he STILL thinks this was a genius idea. However he doesn’t have his degree. You see, he figured out just before his last semester that he didn’t want to be a graphic designer, so why bother taking the last semester and getting a useful degree he didn’t want? So instead he dropped out and took up some odd jobs mowing lawns at a golf course, etc. Until he was running too short on funds and had to move home to live with his parents. Then he got a job at ^^^^, but even there I was misunderstanding him because he is kind of the lowest level, in his own words “grunt guy”, on a team of the production lines. He wants to be a manager but they just changed the policy that you have to have an Engineering Degree to be a manager, and he is studying Business Administration at a community college, and well, he doesn’t want to change his major again.

(Clarification: I have nothing against his job, my only issue was he totally misrepresented himself on his profile and wrote he was IN a management position, not that he was hoping to be in one.  And the whole lack of motivation shown in that he won’t change his major.  Which hopefully he would have grown out of now, but his first stint and college and now again… it doesn’t bode well.)

Also- I’m not exactly clear on if he is currently enrolled in school. He said when he switched to the night shifts to take morning classes they were all full. He never really clarified if he was ever able to get back in to the classes. 

Another fun fact. Apparently he smoked a LOT of pot while in college. To the point that a girlfriend broke up with him over it. She then ended up getting pregnant and marrying her brothers best friend less than a year later as he was the guy that tried to console her when they broke up by bringing her flowers every day to cheer her up. He had secretly been in love with her for a while. But even that guy apparently smoked pot and hid it from her. Then he committed suicide a year later. So really the joke was on her for breaking up with Nick because he smoked pot. (I just wanted to say Joe. Oh this is confusing. Oh and that was Muffin Man’s sentiments not mine.)

Ok, now here is the coup de gras of all of this. So it started when we sat down after playing darts. About 20 minutes in. I thought I saw him adjusting himself. But it was slight at first so I thought I was over thinking. But he kept slightly touching himself... there. And as the night went on this became more pronounced. The guy was repeatedly doing little touches to his crotch. But the WORST was when we were playing pool. I saw him reach to pull his shirt (which had a hole in the right arm pit FYI) up a bit and then saw his hands go for his zipper. I looked away not wanting to see and feeling that this was extremely AWKWARD, but could see from the corner of my eye he totally undid his pants and then messed with... his underwear? Then zipped himself back up. What in the heck? Who does that, especially on the first date? 

From about 30 minutes in I was kind of checking the time wondering when I could get out. But I gave him 2 hours. At that point I had had 2.5 beers myself. He had had a very stiff drink at first and then 3 beers. He had repeatedly asked me if I wanted to do shots. And didn’t understand why I didn’t want to drink more. He thought it strange I liked wine best and didn’t like to drink a lot of hard alcohol. He totally didn’t understand when I said I was ready to move past that and just wanted to drink things I enjoyed to drink slowly and not drink to get drunk anymore. And he mentions he keeps a small keg with some kind of cooling system in his garage at all times. Which he has to replace about once a week.

Anyway, so at this point he wants to get us another pitcher of beer but I say I’m actually going to head home as it is now almost 8 and I have to work the next morning and have a bit of a headache. He hugs me and then says he’ll walk me to my car. I wasn’t super thrilled about that as I was afraid he was going to try and kiss me and didn’t want that. At my car he hugged me again and again I was so afraid he was going to try and kiss me but luckily no. He says it’s his turn to come north next and so I’ll have to stay up late one night so he can come up after work. He gets off work at 11 pm and works down near Tacoma. So that means meeting up at midnight. Apparently he missed my story I had just told him about needing to keep a regular schedule which meant getting to bed at a decent hour since I have to wake up early and lack of sleep causing performance issues at work. But I just say yah and leave. I don’t intend to meet him again.

Oh another funny thing. Remember how he got testy about my joke of Renton being the Ghetto? Well apparently his brother works in Everett and has tried to get him to work up in Everett too. But Joe... I mean Nick... refuses to because there is no way he would ever live in Everett. That city is just to “UHH” for him. He is above that. 

(He actually stopped responding to me online for a while because I told him I didn’t know much about Renton and people used to call it the Ghetto, but that I was interested to learn more about it.  He indirectly called me a snob and the most he ever wrote to me was when he went off on how he was sick of people saying things about how bad Renton was and calling it the ghetto.  That is was a good place to live.  I totally called him out on the date.  I said “Oh, look who’s being the city snob now?”  I don’t think he appreciate it. - Further note for any online readers: After he went off on me I didn't respond.  Then a month later he suddenly wrote me out of the blue asking how I was doing.  After the rant I knew this guy was more drama than I wanted, but a friend got into my account and sent him a message that I wanted to meet him in an effort to perk up my dating life. When he responded super eargerly that he wanted to meet, I decided to give him another shot.  Live and learn.)

Anyway, there is my story of my 2 hours in Renton with ... Nick. I’m not sure what his impression of the date was. He did a LOT of talking. I tried to tell him more about myself but got cut off by him a couple of times. And I was just too polite (?) to tell him that I did not agree going to school for an extra half a year so he could get high all the time was a great idea. That it was in fact a completely dumb idea because of how expensive school is. So I think he took my silence to mean interest and agreement. But it was really just trying to be polite and let him talk so I could figure out who he was and size him up if we had any potential. So we shall see if he tries to contact me again. At which point I guess I text him back and say thanks, it was fun, but I just don’t think we have much in common.

Luckily there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

**Note on this guys screen name: It did dawn on me the first time I read it that JoeMuffin was in reference to "Yo Muffin".  However I like to think the best of people and not assume that they have the mental maturity of a 12 year old upon first acquaintance.  So I gave him the benefit of the doubt.  I do believe his whole story about being called Joe and eating a muffin was just that... a story because he didn't want to explain to this girl he just met his screen name was actually a sexual reference.  Which just adds to his stupidity that he knew he shouldn't explain it, yet he still used it.  Anyway, I went ahead and ran with the Muffin Man euphemism when talking with friends because there was just so much more I could do with it.**