Dear Grandpa

Dear Grandpa,

I'm not sure how to begin this letter because this is really a position I, your granddaughter, never really imagined I would find myself in.  Because you see, while I and my mother (your fully grown daughter) find it great that you have finally learned to use a computer, we are a little concerned with what you have chosen to do with your new found skills. 

You see, one of my friends called me yesterday absolutely horrified as you had recently winked at her on a dating site.  In disbelief I logged onto said dating site to check for myself and sure enough there you were.  Well, actually there was a 20 year old photo of you.  It was fairly obvious seeing as how the shirt and shorts you were wearing haven't been popular since the 1980's.  The discoloring of the photo due to aging was kind of a give away as well.  Oh, and the edge of the photo gave away that it had been scanned and wasn't originally a digital image.  Bravo and props for learning how to use the scanner though.

Grandfather I must tell you, it was fairly unsettling to see your profile.  And mother and I are both a little creeped out and uncertain how much contact we would be ok with having with you in the future.  Because you see, while we have no problems with you dating, we do have problems with the age of women you are trying to date.  It was more than a little shocking to see you list yourself as looking for a woman between the ages of 28-43 when you yourself are in your mid 60's.  (By the way, you aren't fooling anyone with the age you list.  If that photo of you was in your late 40's, and the aging is so obvious, people will figure out you aren't just turned 60.  Either way, it is still pretty creepy.) 

You do realize the women you are delusionally believing you might actually date are old enough to not only be your children, but your grandchildren?  That you were already married when their mother was just being born.  And I don't care if they are consenting adults, this still seems like it should be in the realm of a pedophile for you to be fantasizing about romantic involvement with them.  I mean honestly, when mother was growing up and her friends came over, or when I have brought my friends over to meet you throughout the years, were you fantasizing about them?  Was a real life American Beauty going on in your home as mother grew up? 

Let me give you a little reality check old man.  Gravity has not been kind and is by nature a bitch.  And we know that it's not just your face that gets saggy and wrinkly.  So if you do happen to find a girl willing to be romantic with you it won't be because you are her true love.  I guess you might be ok with that seeing as how you are obviously trying to have one last trist before you think your time is up.  But you know what, girls like that don't come cheap. It's only with a high cash payout guaranteed in a couple of years when you kick the bucket that young women like myself can stomach the thought of putting out for your Viagra induced wrinkly ass.  Luckily for her with your lack of energy and pacemaker, those instances are not only short lived, but few and far between. Then once you are gone, she'll go on to live her real life.  The one she has been fantasizing about for the last several years every time she pretended to listen to you.  The one where she is spending all her inheritance on extravagant vacations- with Pallo, the pool boy with the golden tan.  But let's be real old man, you don't exactly have the funds to fit that mold.

So grandfather, in conclusion, for the time being please do not contact mother or I.  Additionally we will be contacting our friends you have met previously and warning them to keep their distance from you.  We feel it would be best to no longer acknowledge the family connection.  If you could please begin telling people you have no children that would be great.  Go ahead and add that to your profile in the about me section.  Do us all a favor.

Sincerely, your 28 year old granddaughter.